Unlike Adversity Score, PMS ranks students on how shitty you are as a parent.
Riding a wave of press surrounding the new SAT Adversity Score (measuring “social disadvantage”, designed to give kids from poor neighborhoods a leg-up in the admissions process), the College Board announced they will add another adversity component focused exclusively on a student’s family life.
The new score ranges from 0-100 and considers 38 data points to measure disadvantage in the home, including factors like nutrition, screen time, cleanliness, and alcohol consumption. A score of 50 is average; higher scores mean a student has faced “notable parental misfortune”.
“Through no fault of their own, these kids (with high PMS scores) lost the gene lottery”, said Dick Skinner, President of the College Board.
Unlike the Adversity Score, which is derived from the Census using factors that do not directly reflect an individual student, all items in the PMS score are sourced from life in the home.
Families of college-bound juniors and seniors will be visited by uniformed inspectors from the National Health Interview Survey (NHIS), the principle health database on the civilian US population and one of the major data collection programs of the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS).
While none of the PMS factors include race, ethnicity or sexual orientation, the lines are beginning to blur. For example, while a PMS Inspector is not allowed to cite sexual preference in their assessment, they can require an evening of observation in the students’ or parents’ bedroom.
“After hours, we’re just looking for physical or emotional abuse, drug or alcohol consumption, and behavior disruptive to sleep patterns”, said PMS Chief Program Architect Phyllis Mainaird.
Routine daytime visits include hygiene checks – dirt behind the ears or under finger nails – a toilet seat inspection, and lab tests against any and all substances inside the mini-van’s cupholders.
Spending habits from debit and credit cards are monitored, while voice data from smart devices like Alexa and Google Home are thoroughly scanned.
Television and social media engagement are machinated by PMS algorithms using predictive analytics developed in a three-way partnership between the College Board, NHIS, and Silicon Valley’s top data crunchers. Cable television network Bravo triggers an automatic PMS boost of 10 points.
The goal – according to SAT Administrators – is to find students who transcend challenging home environments and poor parenting by examining factors correlated with “a shitty upbringing”.
“It’s become clear the old way is biased. Kids from homes that practice math or vocabulary are likely to outperform those who drink malt liquor, watch reality TV, and communicate in obscenities”, said Mainaird. “It’s unfair. Our vision is for a future where all kids get the same SAT scores”.
“We’re well on the way”, added Skinner. “If we can balance scholastic rankings with social ones, we can engineer student bodies perfect in their diversity, completely indistinguishable from student to student, like the gaseous nebula of interstellar space. We want children to fall back on their social positioning, rather than see effort and accomplisment as the sole measures by which they’re ranked”.
Republicans, Democrats, and university administrators praised the new policy. “It’s about time,” said Duke Johnson, President of the UC system.
“We’re turning down too many students. They’re lined up outside, loans approved by Uncle Sam, wheelbarrows full of borrowed money, and we have to send them away because they aren’t prepared academically. These new scores level the playing field. Now everyone can borrow funds to purchase our services. The banking system is ready to write the loans, and collect the interest. It’s a win-win.”
Asked if the new policy would drive up college costs, Democratic Presidential Candidate Kamala Harris responded, “No tuition is too high. We’ll print up the difference and give it away.”
Parents and guidance counselors have sprung into action. Lori Loughlin was reported to have kick-started a dog-fighting ring in her Los Angeles home to drive up her daughter’s PMS scores.
Asked about the move, Lori replied in a drunken stupor, “it’s basically an interstellar parent’s guide to fame and status…” before toppling over in the rose garden.
President Trump called the program “genius, pure genius”. After a long pause accompanied by a bite from a deep-fried cruller, he added, “just as long as we can keep the Chinese and Mexicans out”.
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