Sugar is fun, but it’s slowly killing your kids.

Question, parents of America: Why are we sending our fat, diabetic, chronically-ill children rolling around the neighborhood to stuff pillow cases full of sugary, processed nougats so they can gorge themselves until their glazed eyes pop out of their skulls from the spike in blood-sugar?

Are we trying to kill them? If so, could we save some time and money by pushing them out in traffic or drowning them in the tub? Okay — too dark! — I’m sorry.

Halloween kicks ass, I know.

The cold, crisp, spooky air, the autumn leaves rustling in the wind and bursting with color, the pumpkin patches, corn mazes, pick-up football, jack-o-lanterns, haunted houses, and scary movies.

Who doesn’t love walking the neighborhood at night with an ice-cold, seasonal beer, led by a band of gypsies in their cute costumes and armed with glowsticks, their moms dressed too, mostly as witches, nurses, schoolteachers, and my favorite, the cowgirl. Best day ever for the NFL’s Charger girls-


(Damn I miss my 20’s in San Diego…).

And who doesn’t enjoy hunkering down on your favorite peanut buttery or toffee-crunch single-serve… the Reece’s, the Kit-Kat, the Butterfinger, or old faithful, the Twix.

Damn those nougats, so full of chewy, nougaty-goodness that more than half of the US will develop chronic disease by the time your kids turn 18.

One in every three children will develop diabetes.

Thank you, government

The primary culprit in this epidemic is too much refined sugar, a trend kicked into high gear in the 1970s when our all-knowing, almighty government opened the first salvo in the disastrous war-on-fat. Unlike the debacles aimed at poverty, drugs, and terror, this one was successful… Only problem?

Fat, it turns out, is a good thing.

Misdiagnosing the problem with grand, bureaucratic opulence, manufacturers then took the baton, maintaining flavor in foods after extracting healthy fats only by replacing them with refined sugar, thereby jumpstarting industrial food-processing and modern “food science”.

Enter stage-left the epidemics of obesity, diabetes, inflammation, and leaky gut, to name a few. Refined sugar and processed foods are the root cause of chronic disease.

And don’t get me started on the goddamn “Food Pyramid”.

The biggest joke in the history of mankind, the cronies in Washington trotted it out in 1992 like gospel, indoctrinating us all with a bunch of bulls— strewn together by lobbyists and then cloaked as science. Six to 11 servings of bread, cereal, rice and pasta as the foundation of a healthy diet?

How do we entrust this institution to deliver the mail, let alone manage the money system or military after such monumental displays of incompetence?

Well, to hell with the propaganda.

As parents, it’s our job to take control of the traditions we hold and shape for our kids. We can keep what’s good, and change what’s not. It’s time to wake up and recognize we are quite literally ruining their lives feeding them this garbage. Today is your opportunity to tackle this challenge. Who’s with me?

Damn, I’m good. I should be on Oprah.

With that in mind, let’s tackle Halloween like Terry Tate, the Office Linebacker-

Eight Kick-Ass Alternatives to Candy for Halloween-

1) Bang-snaps. No friend of mine growing up would ever choose a candy bar over a box of bang snaps.

2) Punching balloons. The Sylvester Stallone of balloons.

3) Random chotskies and party favors from Party City. Avoid this crap – worthless junk from China; total garbage — if you can, but if you need an easy out, it’s cheap, kids love it, and it’s better than candy.

4) Balls. Geometry’s perfect shape. Just get a bucket and fill it with all sizes (bouncy balls, tennis balls, golf balls, ping-pong balls, beach balls and marbles, to name a few).

5) Balsa-wood and foam planes. These are fun, cheap, and full of wonder about the physical world.

6) Glow-sticks. They’ll snap these up and have some fun right on the spot.

7) Beef jerky. My wife and kids also suggest roasted pumpkin or sunflower seeds. Get the kids hooked on healthy, delicious snacks that don’t destroy your body’s organs and systems.

8) Run a neighborhood raffle. Each kid pulls a ticket, and the next day pick numbers from a hat. Prizes include whatever you would spend on candy, or stuff your kids have outgrown.

If you don’t want the hassle tomorrow, display the winning number on your door. Each kid that picks it gets a buck. If your budget is $10, and the winning number is six, put 10 sixes in the basket, and then write a bunch of “fortunes” for the other kids (soon half your family with have diabetes).

Plenty of variation on that one. Your house, your odds. Get creative and have some fun with it. You’ll be the toast of the town.

What about all the candy your kids bring home? This is a negotiation.

When my kids are little, I use points. When older, I offer a silver coin and/or cash as part of my ultimate savings/investment plan. I buy everything except a few pieces at a price we’re both happy with.

You can also have the Candy Witch (think Tooth Fairy) come and replace the candy with a good book a new pigskin (football).

Then I bring their candy to work for co-workers who are going to eat it anyway, or you can offer it to homeless people. It’s better than starving, and there are plenty of homeless — on nearly every corner in Austin — thanks (in large) to the Fed driving up rent and asset prices with their monetary flimflam.

So there you have it. Between school lunches, constant holidays like Halloween, Easter, and Valentine’s Day, plus another godforsaken birthday party every other week, kids get way too many sweets. The result is a lifetime of poor health, failing, scrambled body systems, and rotten teeth.

When it starts this early, the responsibility lies with us as parents (not to mention the clowns in Washington). We can play the victim, or fix the problem.

At BadDaddy, we fix things.

This one is easy, and what better time to start than Halloween? So, go ahead and be the change you want to see. Your kids will thank you when they’re not graduating high school at 300 pounds.

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Like this kick ass parents’ guide for Halloween? How about more Fall fun, with Youth Football and Head Injuries.